The Very Secret Diary of Mal
by Foxy Chicken
Summary: What our dear captain tightpants was thinking during his time in the war, and then while he was captain of Serenity.
1. Day One to Eight Hundred Forty Five

The Very Secret Diary of Mal

by Edme McCormic

Chapter One

Note: I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.

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Day One

Got my browncoat in the mail today. It was really rather exciting. Those postal carries really can take the lead out when they want to. Got here in next to no time.

It fits just like it was made for me, and maybe that is because it was. Oh well, it don't matter cause it was freakin' amazing. Now I just gotta get a gun and learn to shoot, and I will be ready for this gorram war.

Day Five

Gorrammit! I can't get this whole shootin' thing down. I try, and try, but I never get any better. They say I need patience, but I need somethin' more. I need a miracle. Wonder if God answers prayers about learnin' how to shoot your enemies dead? My preacher says it is blasphemous, but I think it is more blasphemous to let the gorram purple bellies take over the gorram 'verse.

We'll see what he thinks after the gorram purple bellies take over, and he is forced to shack up with a bunch a other fellas... Never mind...

Day Twenty Eight

I can shoot now! I can shoot real good now! I'm so excited that I get to go off to war now! Good bye pathetic existence, hello glory of battle! I am so ready for this! I am gonna work my way up the ranks and become a captain, or a general, or whatever the highest rank is. I'm going to kill more purple bellies than I can count! It is going to be great!

Day Ninety Four

I LOVE WAR! It is so ruttin' fun! Killin' guys, leadin' guy, all of it is just amazin'. Worked my way up to Sargent in only like... well... however many days it has been since my last entry.

Got some good men with me too, and this one fine lookin' lady. Her name is Zoe, and I swear to God she is possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. She is an amazon, and can kill like I have never seen someone kill before. Course she is all business, an' I ain't never seen her smile. Course she is just as pretty without smilin'.

Day One Hundred Forty Three

Gotta love Tracy! That kid is hi-larious!

We have this ruttin' son of a whore above us who don't care about nothin' sides the fur on his face, an' would see us all die before he would shave that ruttin' thing off. Well Tracy, the son of a bitch that he is, decided to shave the ruttin' thing off as a joke! Shaved it off, and then wore the gorram thing right in front of the old man! Got some balls that one does!

When our commanding officer saw that I know he just wanted to shoot Tracy right there where he stood. Wouldn't blame him though. I would be just as mad if I was so attached to somethin' growin' off my face. I swear he loves that thing more than any normal person loves a woman or a child.

Day One Hundred Seventy Eight

Tracy almost got killed today. There was a huge battle, and the gorram guy was eatin' beans! Almost got shot, but Zoe saved his sorry ass. Kinda sad though cause I really coulda used his beans. Woulda tasted real good too. Damn.

Anyway, the battle went real good. Got to kill a shit load a purple bellies, and that just makes my day all kinds of worth while. To bad the fighting is over for today though cause I could really go for some killing right about now. Awe well, there is always the next battle.

Day Two Hundred Ninety Five

Battles after battles, and now it is over. I thought it was going to go on forever, and now that it isn't going on forever I don't know what I am going to do with myself. I was going to fight those ruttin' purple bellies till the day I died. Didn't even get a year fightin' 'em either. So coulda done good with a year. War woulda turned in our favor if I woulda had a year to slaughter all those gorram alliance bastards.

Don't know what I am going to do without a war to fight in. I have no purpose now that it is over. Hot chick is going to stay with me though, and that is always a plus. Might find a way to get her to marry me, and pop out a couple of babies for our ranch.

What am I talkin' about? I don't want a ranch, I don't want a bunch of kids, I hate kids. No, I want to fight more ruttin' purple bellies. I will find a way to get them even if the war is over.

Day Four Hundred Fifty One

I found it! I took me a long ruttin' time, but I finally found a way to keep the hot chick with me, and to keep fighting the battle. Don't get to kill them with this new plan, but I do get to stab them in the ruttin' back... In a non-lethal way of course, damn.

All right, I will let you in on the plan. I am going to buy this ship that I found, get her fixed up, and then I am going to run a smuggling crew! It is possibly the best plan I have had since joining up with the Independents. I can't wait to tell the hot chick.

Day Four Hundred Fifty Two

She doesn't share my enthusiasm for the new work. Ok, she does, just not for my ship. She thinks it is a piece of junk. All right, I will give her that, but once we get this beauty fixed up, and running she will be the best gorram ship in the sky. I can see it now. More work than we can handle, money flowing into our hands from the rich who will hire us out for whatever they need, and a crew that will love and cherish the ground that I walk upon. It will be beautiful and it will be all mine.

Just wait and see. It will happen.

Day Four Hundred Sixty Five

Found a mechanic who is going to fix up our ship, and a pilot that, besides his looks, is going to fly us across the sky. The mechanic is possibly a little out of it but he can get my baby up and running, and that is what I need. The pilot has a list of recommendations as long as my leg, and I am very lucky to have him. Of course the hot chick doesn't like him, and I just can't figure out why, though I do have an idea. I think it is the mustache. Not going to lie, that put me off at first too, but I am captain of this gorram boat, and if push comes to shove I will have him shave the gorram thing off. Don't need to scare my hot first mate off.

Day Five Hundred Ninety Nine

That didn't take long. I got myself a new mechanic. Never really thought that old one was any good, and it turns out I can get another hot chick on this boat. Not to mention that she can fix up ol' Serenity better than that yu bun duh hwoon dahn ever could. And she's HOT! Not that I EVER think of that when I am considering someone for a place on my ship. I am not that shallow...

Day Six Hundred Thirty Four

I am not happy about this. They are going against my direct orders! If I wanted those two to get married I woulda told them to! Gorrammit! This is not going to work out. She is my hot first mate, he is my no longer mustached pilot. Yeah, he is an ok guy, and makes some good jokes, but having any sort of romance on this boat is not going to work out in the slightest. I can see this coming back and stabbing me in the ass. I really am not looking forward to this. Oh well, I am rather scared of the woman if I don't give her what she wants, so I better go forward with this gorram plan of marriage, and just get over it.

Day Seven Hundred Ninety Three

I must be in heaven, if I still believed in that yu bun duh stuff anymore. You know how I said I had a hot first mate and a hot mechanic. Well now I have a very hot, no, scratch that, I have a sex goddess on my boat. You think I am lying, but I am not! She is a bona fide companion, and she is possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. So really when you think about it she is actually a sex goddess. A super fine sex goddess at that.

Now, if I could just find some muscle this little crew would be complete.

Day Eight Hundred Forty Five

Got myself some muscle, but only after almost getting killed. Guy is huge though. Like a ruttin' bear or something, and about as nice as one. Not the brightest star in the black, but he is good at what he does, and that is killing folk with no questions asked. Not real sure how many people I want dead, but with the proper motivation, and by motivation I mean money, I bet I can get this guy to do almost anything I want. Guess that is good for me. As long as I can keep up my end of the bargain and keep the gorram guy paid, and paid by me only. Don't need him splitting loyalties. I really don't want him on my ass again.

Note: All right, don't give me crap about my dates, I know they are off, way off, but if I even tried to make them coherent in my story then I would already be in the 2ks, and this is only the first chapter, so don't give me any crap about it. I would have tried a bit harder, but this is ass good as it is going to get for the dates right now. Don't worry, I will try harder in the next couple of chapters when I start getting into the actual episodes.

Hope you liked my try at Mal. Give me advice if you don't think I have gotten him yet. FYI I don't think I have him yet, and I hope that he will fall into place during the next couple of chapters. It takes me a while to get into them, and if you have read 'The Very Secret Diary of Jayne' you will know this.

Another FYI, if you have yet to read that one then you should, it is very good.

Ok, I am done. Read and review, and I will love you forever!

Side note: Style based off of that of Cassandra Claire, but all writing is that of my own.


	2. Day 965 to 968

The Very Secret Diary of Mal

by Edme McCormic

Chapter Two

Note: I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.

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Day Nine Hundred Sixty Five

Totally forgot that I had this. My bad. Anyway, got a job from Badger, I hate that little man, and it should be a cake walk. Got to pick some salvage off of a ship that went... Well, not really sure what happened to it, but that really isn't my problem now is it? I don't care if it was Reavers... Ok, I do care if it was Reavers, but I don't care if whatever else happened to it... Of course if it was some disease I will care, or if there was a murderer who kill everyone else, and is now just waiting for some unsuspecting space ship captain to latch on so he can get more blood! I really should have asked Badger what happened to this ship, I am really rather paranoid now.

Later

Cargo is labeled. Every last inch of this stuff is covered in Alliance logos. Damn it! Oh well, I will still hand it over to Badger, and he can do with it what he likes. I'm not gettin' my hands on it any more than I have to. Besides it was Badger's hit in the first place, and I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't hand it over to him.

Day Nine Hundred Sixty Six

Ruttin' hell! Alliance spotted us (knew that already) but they sent an alert out over the system sayin' that we were harboring stolen goods, an' now Badger won't take 'em. That, an' he now knows that they were stamped with the Alliance logo. I am so humped that it isn't even funny. Really, what choice do I have now? I can't drop the goods, I can't keep 'em, though I bet they would taste damn fine after some of the stuff we have been havin'. No, bad Mal, can't think thoughts like this, must think of the money. All I want/need is the ruttin' money.

Later

Totally found my patsy. I am gonna totally pass 'em off to Patience, and let her deal with 'em. Not that I think she will be bothered by the stamp, I know she won't be, but I really am not sure I want to deal with her again. I don't really have a choice, but after last time I am a little bit cautious. She did shot me last time, a fact that the crew is sure to remind me of every time I bring it up. As the captain I can't show fear, so I play it off like I am the plucky hero, but really I almost piss myself every time I think of that damn woman.

Later Later

Had to take on passengers today. That was fun, but not really. Kaylee seems happy about it, but Kaylee is happy about everything, she really don't give a good gorram about nothin'. Maybe that is why I like the girl so much.

Anyway, we got a doctor, a preacher, an' some weird lookin' guy who calls himself Lawrence, or somethin' stupid like that. They are talkin' up space on my boat, with my illegal cargo, an' it makes me all sorts a nervous havin' so many people that ain't crew on my boat. Don't like that doctor fella at all though. Somethin' about him just ain't right. Looks all suspicious with his fancy duds, an' clean hair, manicured nails, an' soft silky skin... Not that I know his skin is as soft as a babies bottom or nothin'...

Later Later Later

Good gorram! That boy needs to learn how to hold his ruttin' tongue! Jayne, if I can even call him by his real name, made fun a poor little Kaylee at dinner this evenin', so I sent him out, then his little out burst caused the good doctor to question his role on the ship. Not that it ain't obvious, but we don't like ta show off his skills ta people that ain't a part a our trade, an' doctors askin' questions they shouldn't ain't good for business.

Later Later Later Later

There is/was a ruttin' rat on our boat! A fed rat, not a rodent rat! I hate the feds, an the gorram guy tried to get a wave out to his ruttin' superiors, lucky for me, pilot... I mean Wash, was able ta scramble it all ta hell, so they weren't able to get it. That was way to close for comfort.

Almost forgot. You know Kaylee. Sweet as sugar Kaylee, who everyone loves, and no one can hate. Yeah, well she got shot by that hwoon dahn Lawrence. Guy just up an' shot her for no other reason than she was there at the wrong place at the wrong time, an' cause he likes shootin' at girls. Bastard. Wanted ta kill him right there, but knew it wouldn't be right, an' I got ta set an example for my crew, even if they are dumb as doorknobs, an' twice as thick. Ok, they ain't all like that, but some of them are, all right, one of 'em is, an' I need him learnin' all the lessons he can.

So anyway, had to open up the doc's box seein' as that was what all the commotion was about, an' as captain it is my job to stick my nose in everybody else's business whether they like it or not. Of course if they don't like it, it makes my job one hundred times more fun.

Well, I got this box open, kicked the lid off cause I'm good like that, an' low an' behold there was a little naked girl inside. Ok, little might be an understatement, but she was/is thin, an' a girl. Real pretty too. Long black hair, an' real... I shouldn't be talkin' like this. She's young, real young, an' I'm old, real old. Also... Well... She's the doc's sis. Thought she was his wife, or something for a while, seein' as she was all froze up in that box, but nope, she's his sister. Kinda crazy though. Of course first impressions can be misleadin'.

Day Nine Hundred Sixty Seven

Crew keeps botherin' me about the fact that I got shot last time I tried to deal with Patience. I keep tellin' them to lay off it, but no one seems to take the hint! I don't wanna think about it, it makes my scar hurt, and not to mention my pride.

I hate my crew, well everyone except the hot chick.

Later

Yep, she's crazy. River, that's the doc's sisters name, is off her rocker. Completely loopy. Yep... That's all I have to say about that.

Oh yeah, we ran into some Reavers, but they didn't do nothin' to us, which I am eternally grateful. Today is not a good day for me to be eaten by space cannibals. Really not in the mood.

Day Nine Hundred Sixty Eight

Today was a good day. Dropped the goods off with Patience, got paid. Yeah, I got a little bit shot, and Zoe got a little bit shot, and Lawrence got a little bit dead, but other than that it was real shiny.

So we get to Whitefall, Jayne goes off to do his diggin' thing, Zoe and I stay back to do our waitin' on the peon thing. Then once everything is nice and dug Zoe an' I go off to get the gorram job done, an' Jayne goes off to make sure that we don't get shot full of holes. Course with him you can never really be sure. Not that he ain't a great shot, cause he is, but because he was talkin' to Lawrence, an' you never know what his price is gonna be. Price ta sell out on ya I mean. Oh, if ya were wonderin', no he didn't sell out to Lawrence, he did his job like the good little mindless peon he is..

So Zoe an' I are talkin' to Patience, an' we know this is gonna go bad, cause it always goes bad. Then there was a gun fight, we shot some people in the face cause we are just good like that. Then we took our money, headed back to the ship, gorram Reavers followed us! I hate gorram Reavers! Course we made it out all right, just like we always do.

Really, it was a fairly good day. Well, by fairly I mean not really at all, no.

---

Hey guys, sorry it took me so long to get this one up. I really didn't have any motivation, and I'm in college now, so I am doing stuff all the time so writing for pleasure really doesn't fit into my schedule unless I force it.

Hope this chapter wasn't do bad. I just wrote it on the seat of my pants, so forgive me if it wasn't as funny, or was lacking in actual factage (yes, factage), but I did my best for the time being. Don't worry, I will have more soon, and I hope to get my jokage juices (yes, jokage juices) flowing once again.

Thanks for reading, and PLEASE review! They make me want to write more, and help get the chapters out faster.


	3. Day 981 to 992

The Very Secret Diary of Mal

by Edme McCormic

Chapter Three

Note: I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.

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Day Nine Hundred Eighty One

Went to a bar today. It was U-Day, I had no choice. I don't know what it is, but every U-Day I find myself itchin' to go to a gorram Alliance friendly bar, and start some gos se. And guess what, I did!

Anyway, we went to this bar, Zoe and I played some Chinese Checkers, an' then I had to get another drink. Of course I had to get another drink after some yu bun duh hwoon dahn toasted to the Alliance. Zoe got to smash the guy in the face, and then it was in all out brawl. I didn't think Jayne was gonna fight with us, lazy bastard, but he did. Good thing he did too, or I would have spaced him once we got back to the ship.

We got our asses kicked, but that's ok. Wash saved us, and I accomplished what I needed to accomplish. What that is, I really don't know, but it felt really good to bust in all those guys faces. Though I did get thrown threw a window, it could have gone much worse. There could have been glass in that window.

Almost forgot. We got a new job while we were there. Actually that was the only reason we had gone. Though the fight would have been a good enough reason for me, the job is also a nice touch, and what we really needed.

We are gonna go meet this guy tomorrow and see what he wants us to do. I've heard of him, an' he ain't such a good guy, but that don't really matter. He's got a job for us, an' that is all that really matters.

Day Nine Hundred Eighty Two

Met with our new boss, Adelei Niska, the dude is a ruttin' psychopath! Not to mention an ugly mother fucker. Looks kind of like a corpse or a frog, or an old ladies ass. One or the other.

Anyway, his ugly tattooed henchman, Crow, or Robin, or Blue Bird, or whatever, scared me when we got in there first off. Played if off like I had a yawn, but I really was about to die of fight. This guy is huge. Ok, not like muscle huge, he is muscled though, but also like fat huge, and tall huge. Mostly fat huge, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be able to crush me with the weight of his thick head.

Wait... That ain't important. The important thing is that it is a train job. I've heard about these, but I ain't never done one myself. Shouldn't be to hard though. Just getting' on the train, an' then gettin' the gos se off of it. Should be fun. Gonna totally get Jayne to jump onto the train. I only wish that I could see his face when he does it. Maybe Wash will choke, an' smash Jayne into the side of...

It will all go real shiny. Ain't no one gettin' hurt.

Day Nine Hundred Eighty Three

That went well, and by that went well, I mean it sucked, an' we got caught. Ok, we didn't get caught cause they knew we stole the goods, but we got caught because they know someone stole the goods.

Do you know what this does to my plan? I'll tell you what it does, it sends it down the craper, that's what it does. Now Zoe an' I are stuck in this ruttin' town, with this ruttin' disease, an' there ain't no way for us to get outta here now. I hope they don't catch us.

One good thing did come out a this ruttin' mess though. Jayne got those gorram goods off that gorram train. I think he mighta got shot, but that ain't the point. The point is that we got our gorram goods.

Day Nine Hundred Eighty Four

Zoe an' I got our interview today. It took 'em a gorram day to get to us, an' when they did I told 'em the story I had made up all day yesterday when I had nothin' better to do. In my story I got to marry Zoe, just like it should have been... Naw, the sex goddess is much hotter than her, but she is an amazon, an' I've heard the yelps that come outta that room sometimes at night... I'm gonna make myself sick if I go on like this.

Anyway, I made us avoid certain death by comin' up with that story. Now, if my gorram crew would just get their asses over here to pick us up, that would be kinda nice.

Day Nine Hundred Eighty Five

Sex goddess... I mean, 'Nara, came to get us this evening. Took her damn near long enough. Course she hit me, so I don't know what real good it did, or why that was completely nesecery, but we got outta there all right besides the smackin'. Also, it wasn't the worst thing that happened either.

You know that evil toad guy who gave us this ruttin' job in the first place. With his man, Lark, or Eagle, or Falcon, or whatever came by shortly after Zoe an' I got back to the ship, an' after we had told everyone that we was gonna take the cargo back to the town. Ya see Zoe an' I got some insight while we were there, an' if we deliver this stuff to the evil guy, then all the bad karma that is gonna follow us from that is gonna totally not let us go, an' I don't want that kind a gos se followin' me around.

Anyway, the big evil guy found our hiding place, an' he was a little mad that he had to wait as long as he did, an' then he got super pissed when we told him that we weren't going to give him his stuff. I tried to talk him outta it, but then all of a sudden it felt really familiar. I guess it felt familiar cause it was like tryin' ta talk to Patience an' gettin' shot, but only this time it was tryin' ta talk an' then gettin' stabbed. Like knife thrown at ya stabbed. Really, I think I would have liked the bullet, it don't stick outta ya, an' hang there like this gorram knife did. Not to mention that gorram thing was about as big as my head, an' twice as heavy. I don't ever want ta get stabbed ever again.

Well, it took a while, but I finally killed Hawk, or Dove, or whatever his name is, I know it is a ruttin' bird. Anyway, I killed him, but in a cool way after he told me he wasn't gonna tell Nishka what I wanted him to tell him. I pushed him threw my engine. I ain't never done that before, and I was kinda surprised at how well it worked too. I ain't never seen nothin' like that before.

Later

Took the meds back to the town just now, an' man I thought we was gonna die. Those gorram guys, the ones from the town, were there, an' they had guns! I really thought they were gonna do us in, but they didn't. They just took their meds, an' went on their merry way. I think the main guy was about to cry though. Pansy.

Day Nine Hundred Ninety Two

Came across a peculiar sight today. There was a ship just kinda floatin' in space all dead like. It was mighty peculiar, so of course I had to have me an' my crew check it out. Zoe an' I went first seein' as we are captain an' first mate, an' also cause if there is anythin' good we can get it before we have that gorram merc over here takin' all the good stuff. Not that that kinda stuff is important or nothin'...

Anyway, Zoe an' I gave her a sweep before tellin' the others ta come over, an' take all that was wroth takin'. I was about ready to give off jobs when the gorram doc shows up, an' in a suit nevertheless. I was all kindsa confused until Jaynieboy started laughin'. I guess it was kinda funny if you are sick and twisted like that.

Didn't really have a job for the good doctor seein' as I wasn't expectin' him, but Kaylee has been achin' ta get close ta him, so I had 'em go off together. Doc don't have half a brain when it comes to girl folk, so I ain't to scared that he will take advantage of my Kaylee girl, course rememberin' how I met her... We ain't even gonna talk about that.

Later

Gorrammit! Every time somethin' has to go wrong. This time it was Jayne, actually when ain't it Jayne? Anyway, there was one survivor left on the boat. Oh, almost forgot, the gorram boat was attacked by Reavers, but they left one guy alive. I know, Reavers don't leave no survivors, but this time they did. They guy is a gorram mess too.

Took him back to my ship, cause I am a gorram idiot, an' then guess what, the gorram alliance came. Just what I need when I have a ship full of illegal salvage, an' two fugies on my boat. Well, it was a tough decision, but I decided to save the good doc's ass, an' his sisters, an' let the alliance take all my gorram salvage. Not somethin' I should have really done seein' as I could have sold that for more money than it is worth, an' there might have been some reward for them two... I'm startin' to sound like Jayne, I really need ta stop thinkin' like that.

Later Later

Everythin' is shiny. Except for the fact that we lost all our salvage, the Reaver man went nuts an' got blood all over my walls, an' havin' to deal with the Alliance it was a good day... Actually in retrospect it sucked, an' I ain't never stickin' my neck out for those two fugies again. It really ain't wroth my time an' effort. If they are gonna get themselves caught by the gorram feds, then they are gonna get caught by the gorram feds, an' as long as they don't bring me an' mine down with me I ain't got a problem with it.

I need a job, a real gorram job.

---

There you go, chapter three. Took me damn near long enough. Hope you guys liked it, and continue to like it.

Also, I know the whole dates within the Train Job might not match up with what you think, but they do match up with 'The Very Secret Diary of Jayne', and that is really all I care about right now is all of my diaries syncing up with each other.

Please review it makes me happy!


	4. Day 997 to 1016

The Very Secret Diary of Mal

by Edme McCormic

Chapter Four

Note: I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.

---

Day Nine Hundred Ninety Seven

Landed on Persephone today, and I must say that it hasn't been a good day so far, and I got a feelin' that it ain't gonna get any better.

Let me start from the beginnin'. Landed here, an' 'Nara went off on her way to go to some fancy party with that Wing guy who I know she has seen before. Not that she tries to hide it or nothin'. So the crew an' I go get the supplies, I somehow offend all the remainin' ladies of my crew, an' am left with only Jayne. Wasn't that bad, ok, it was, but it could have been worse, and then it got that way. Badger showed up with all this little gun toting minions, and forced us into his 'lair', not even kidding, my hand to god that is what he calls his little hiding place. You can't make that gos se up.

Anyway, Janye and I are treated to the best of drinks that will make you blind, and then told that he, Badger, has gotten his hands on a couple of testicles. Ok, that isn't what he ment, but that is totally what he said. What he actually meant by it was that he got his hands on a couple of invitations to the biggest party of the year. Not that I really want to go, but the job requires that I do, so I am just going to have to deal.

Have to take a pretty girl with me though, an' I know Zoe won't go, 'Nara is already goin' with that Wing guy, so that leaves Kaylee. She's mad at me right now, but I bet I can use my captiny charms on her to get her to go with me.

Later

Ok, captainy charms didn't work, will have to resort to bribery, and or begging. I really hope I don't have to beg. I hate begging.

Later Later

Bribery worked, got her that gorram fluffy dress that I originally made fun of her for liking and wanting. One more thing that really isn't working out in my favor right now. The other, in case you were wondering, is this gorram fancy party. Feel all kinds of out of place, and my pants are awfully tight, and real uncomfortable. Not that Kaylee seems to care, cause she went off to interrogate the buffet table a while ago. Silly girl, buffet tables can't talk.

Later Later Later

Party didn't go so well, but it didn't completely leave me high and dry though. Got the job Badger wanted me to get, but in the meantime I also got myself in quite the pickle when it comes to, well, pickles. Seems that I might have gotten myself into a sword fight. Now I didn't mean to do it, but it just kind of happened that way. I was trying to defend 'Nara's honor, well, that is what I want her to believe, so I punched her date in the face for calling her a whore, or almost calling her a whore. She says defending honor, I say just wanting to give the guy a nice punch to the chops.

Anyway, I gotta sword fight tomorrow, an' I don't know what in the ruttin' hell I am gonna do. I ain't never used a sword before, an' never really wanted to neither. Now I gotta go an' make sure I don't get all stabbed up, an' die.

'Nara tried to help me, but that didn' last to long, it never does.

Yep, I'm gonna die.

Day Nine Hundred Ninety Eight

I'm not dead! I'm in extreme amounts of pain, but I am not dead! Got a little stabbed, but I still got my life, kind of got my health, an' cargo. Lots and lots of cargo. By lots and lots, I mean there are a freakin' lot of cows in my cargo bay. I'm stabbed, so I can't take care of them, so, who gets to do it?

Zoe, naw, she is a war buddy, an' you got to keep your war buddies on your side.

Wash, it'd be funny, but he's married to the war buddy, an' it is best to keep the war buddy on your side, so keep the war buddies spouse out of the shitty jobs.

Kaylee, she's to sweet to ever force her to do somethin' like that. Sides, the cows might just stop her cute little self to death, an' I couldn't have that. I still need someone to look after my boat.

'Nara, why am I even considering this?

Doc... Doc... He an' his sister don't do much but sit around on my boat waitin' for the Alliance to find 'em, an' lookin' all pretty. 'Sides, it might help 'em out to do some real work for once in their lives. On second thought, I don't plan on gettin' shot any time soon, but it is gonna happen, an' when it does I wanna get fixed up all right an' proper, so it is best to not upset the guy who could help or hurt your life.

That only leaves one person, Jayne. Now, why didn't I think a this first off? Seems to be the most logical answer. Big oafish guy who can't really fight back against me, the captain, smells like cow shit anyway, so it won't be much of a difference, an' even though he is trouble some he will do the work with no questions asked. Might be some complaining, but I would be worried if there weren't none.

Day One Thousand Five

Gorram worthless piece a crap. Jayne tried to kill himself today. Said somethin' about how the don't want to have to do clean up anymore after the cows anymore. That is just to bad cause I ain't gonna do it, an' no one else is neither. He will just have to deal.

Day One Thousand Eight

Ok, this is gettin' rather annoyin'. Caught Jayne with Vera in his mouth today. Ya would think that man had never done a months worth a cow duty in his life. Pansy. Got him on suicide watch till them cows are gone. Good thing we are almost there cause suicide watch is shit work. No pun intended.

Day One Thousand Eleven

Finally, land. Got the shepherd to set up the cow coral, and didn't end up havin' to do any of the work myself. Bein' captain is the best job ever. Folks are slaves to your will, and there ain't nothin' better than imposin' your will on unsuspectin' folks.

Later

Why don't it go smooth? Why don't it ever go smooth?! Book got shot, doc got snatched, and... Well there ain't another one, but those two pretty much suck.

Why did good ol' Book get shot, ya are askin' yourself. Cause it never goes smooth! Tried to drop off the gorram beef, an' get my money, but local color started happenin', and ruined my little transaction. Not sure who shot the shepherd, but they didn't shoot the mercenary. Damn.

Anyway, cause doc and his sis got snatched, and Book got all sorts of shot up we couldn't go out lookin' for the good doc, and had to leave him behind. Now we gotta find some other form of medical facility before the shepherd kicks it. Would be indifferent to it, but got a feelin' my crew would feel a bit differently, and I need that unwaverin' loyalty from the majority of them.

Day One Thousand Twelve

Now that was a might peculiar, and I have known a few peculiar occurrences in my time. This one easily takes the gorram cake though.

Whore recommended that we go seek out Alliance help in our dear Book's lament. Not a fan of this plan in the least, but for some reason, I listened to her, and did it. They actually took him in, fixed him up all good, and then sent us on our merry way. Why would they do that? Our Firefly is wanted, our papers weren't up to date, and I ain't the nicest fella either. What kind of ident card gets that kind of reception? Not mine that is for gorram sure.

Tried askin' the old man about it, but he wouldn't say. Just told me some gos se about how people like a man of God. Told him he was smokin' somethin', but not in so many words, or even anything like that. You get the idea though. Old crazy guys and their riddles. Makes my brain more tired than Jayne's after any sort of brain related activity... Yeah, that was pretty bad...

Well, better go get our wayward babes. Wouldn't want them to get into to much trouble. Though that nancy boy probably is burning right now.

Day One Thousand Thirteen

I totally called it! Well, almost, but it was close enough to count. Went back to get that gorram doctor and his crazy sister, and they were totally about to be burnt alive. Of course we saved them, what kind of captain would I be if I let them die? Not a very good one, or an evil one... I would rather be evil than no good.

Well, we got a job tomorrow, and a lot of sky to cover before then. Got Wash burnin' it hard, and we should make it in one or a few pieces. Stupid doctor and shepherd settin' us a few days behind schedule.

Day One Thousand Fourteen

Bird doggers make me so mad. Takin' advantage of all those poor towns people, makin' 'em call in the reinforcements, and pay loads of fines... I love bird doggers, make my pocket full of coin, my crew with work, and it is always fun to dress up and play pretend.

Maybe I should explain that last part... Had to come up with some clever way to get the gorram bird doggers attention, so Jayne and I dressed up as a married couple, and Zoe took up watch in the back just for cover. I played the wife, and Jayne played my strong, masculine, hunk of a man, husband, and I was the beautiful, sweet, weak, sexy ass, wife. I told them it was because Jayne couldn't fit in the dress, but really it was because it reminded me of home. You see back on Shadow I never had a male role model, only my ma, so I did everything she did, and spent the first twenty years of my life in a dress. There ain't nothin' wrong with that, feels good, an' no one was cruel to me. Well, to my face anyway.

Anyway, we got those ol' bird doggers, and the towns folk are gonna through a little shindig for us. I love parties, especially ones with drinkin' and women folk.

Day One Thousand Fifteen

Party was apparently a bit to much for me apparently. Seems I got myself hitched to a pretty good lookin' little thing that calls herself Saffron. Everyone is givin' me a world of hurt over it though. Zoe started out makin' fun of it, but now she seems all sorts of pissed about it; Wash is always the joker, and actually seems a might jealous over the whole thing; Kaylee thinks it is cute, but she thinks everything is cute; Book is pissed, big surprise there; Doc and River seem indifferent to the whole mess; 'Nara is fuming; and Jayne wants one of his own, really big surprise there... Man actually offered to trade his favorite gun for her. I was very tempted to do up the trade, but the whole time I was considering it I kept seeing Books face in the back of my mind, and I really didn't want to have to deal with that guilt trip, so I turned the gun down. I really wanted that gorram gun too. She is a mighty fine weapon.

Day One Thousand Sixteen

My wife is a dirty, dirty whore! Tried to steal my ship, and kill me and my crew in the process. Took out me and Wash, then set the ship on a death walk towards a net. Lucky for me I got a good crew, and we were able to escape with our lives, but you have no idea how much gos se I got about the whole, it's your wife that did this to us. You would think they would give up after we escaped with our lives, but no, that just ain't good enough anymore.

Got that damn bitch back though. Not as good as I would have liked, but we did get our shuttle back, and I did give her an ugly mark on her pretty mug. Should have killed her when I had the chance though. Oh well, we won't be seein' that girl ever again, so there is no reason to worry. 'Sides, I don't kill innocents, not that she is innocent...

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Holy crap, sorry that took so long to get out. I have had a lot of stuff to do, and a whole bunch of other excuses. But hey, I did it, so there. Chrismahonzikwanzica nondenominational winter season break is a good time to write, especially when you end up with no job... Anyway, the next chapter is all set up, just waiting for me to write it, and I plan to do that like right now. Hope you liked it, and keep those reviews coming.


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